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12/15/28
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If you visit the town of New Stenchford, you might consider leaving your good shoes at home. No sparkling castle, or square-jawed heroes here. Mostly it’s just mud, beer, and trouble.
Queen Strongbottom, brave of heart, strong of bottom, runs the place, but has no idea that Wanda Stickybuns, the secret mistress of Queen Strongbottom’s father Gluteus, is plotting to overthrow the King and install her illegitimate two-headed son on the throne.
If you choose to come and see for yourself you’ll want to keep a close eye on your belongings and wash your hands thoroughly when you get home, if you get home.
Welcome to the medieval city of New Stenchford, an unremarkable fantasy town indistinguishable from any other save for the growing number of unexplained Starbucks that keep appearing everywhere, and a 250 foot tall bard named Taylor the Swift who sleeps in City Park.
There is a human-sized Taylor too. She’s dating Sid the Vicious who just got out of rehab and is doing one year of community service In King Piccolo Pickle's army. Sid’s not exactly a model soldier but the King will need everyone he can get, if he is to defeat the evil brewing in the sewers below the muddy streets of New Stenchford.
When King Piccolo Pickle heard that the travel scribe from the Burdened Burro’s Guide to the Kindacrapizat Region was coming to New Stenchford, he knew there was a lot to do before the scribe arrived.
Focused on the preparations, King Pickle did not see the trouble festering at the foot of his throne. Someone in New Stenchford was flirting with disaster, and it seemed disaster was ready for a fling.
It was a small ad at the back of the paper, “Monarch wanted, must be lice-free, experience preferred.” Eight little words that almost brought the town of New Stenchford to its knees. Of course it wasn’t the first time the city had flirted with disaster. It teeters on the brink of destruction in all the books. Maybe if someone could get me to stop writing these things the city would be safe. It’s too late for this volume, so you might as well read it. Sorry.
A giant black widow spider, a two headed lobster and Jesus walk into a bar. No, it’s not a joke, it’s just another day in the town of New Stenchford. You can drop by for a visit, but you probably won’t want to live there, even visiting might be pushing it. Best to keep your distance and just read about it.
Sit back and attend the tale of the hoarding sisters Giardia and Chlamydia. Harken to how a little magic can totally fuck up your life. Follow Rizzle the Weasel as he navigates the underground world of orcs and organized crime. Witness the star-crossed lovers Fiona an Leonardo as they try to avoid being eaten. All this, and a visit from a terrifying stranger, are yours to discover inside the pages of this affordable tome.
In a blind taste test could you tell the difference between Taylor Swift’s blood and Erwin Schrödinger’s blood? If Friedrich Nietzsche and The Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers had a formal debate concerning what flavor blue candy should be, who do you think would win? How many wizards does it take to quantum entangle two halves of an aardvark? This book will pose many such questions and do very little to answer any of them. Good luck with your purchase.
Clint of the East Wood has been hired to chaperone Sailor Moon while on her quest to find the Personal Massage Wand of Perfect Happiness. During their travels these two intrepid souls stumble upon the infamous city of New Stenchford where nothing is as it seems and dangers lurk behind every door, except some doors. Some doors don’t have anything of note behind them, a table and chairs or maybe a hearth and a kettle, but nothing to worry about. It is not however, an exaggeration to say that most of the doors were dangerous to open, not the doors themselves, they were all ordinary doors, but what was behind them may, or in some cases may not have been, dangerous, very, very dangerous.
This anthology is full of down to earth relatable stories like the one about Lester, who has the head of a human and the body of a groundhog. Lester’s little rodent frame can’t hold up his heavy human skull so to get around he is strapped to a giant tortoise who believes that she is a ladybug.
If that one doesn’t resonate with your life experience there is the one about the hare-metal band of half-human, half rabbit musicians who stage a concert in order to summon a demon named Mr. Fluffington, or the story where superman meets a thirty foot tall Nietzschean wolf spider.
With more than a dozen stories to choose from there’s got to be one in there you’ll enjoy, maybe even two.
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